(this is satire in the spirit of Jonathan Swift, nothing more. I'm posting this because alot of people need to relax, take a deep breath, and look at the situation we are in and what the campaigns have been reduced too. So don't be a jerk about it. While I do support Brian, I'd be posting the same thing about him if he won)
Now that Gerry Connolly’s straw poll is done with, I’m glad to know that the real work has begun in Virginia: reading tea leaves and spinning the results of Tuesdays poll. I take great pride in knowing this will be a true grass roots efforts by the people of Virginia. And by people of Virginia, I mean anyone across the country that has access to this or any other political website, paid campaign staffers, paid bloggers, 527’s, and if we’re really desperate the actual voters of the commonwealth who for some mind boggling reason, didn’t show up to the fair. I personally don’t understand the 99.9% of registered voters in Virginia who didn’t show up to the straw poll. Why do these people refuse to brave NOVA traffic at 6 PM on a weeknight? Why do these people want to eat dinner with their families instead of being in a political carnival? Why didn’t they spend $40 dollars on tickets during the middle of the worst recession since…well… before I was born? Hello, were supposed to be stimulating the economy people! I probably should of asked some of them while I was ditching the straw poll and getting drunk at McFaddens tues night but it slipped my mind. Oh well, what’s an Irishman to do? Am I right?
But we need to get back to the business at hand so stay focused with me. What happened Tues night has the potential to be game changing for T-Mac and his mercenary army. But for this to happen, he needs to push the envelope. Even though I wasn’t there, I was really impressed with the diversity of license plates I was told was in the parking lot. Georgia plates, now thats republican outreach we can take to the bank in November! Furthermore, I was inspired by reading about the amount of cheering in the crowd that night. I mean let’s face it, the only thing that signifies grass roots support more than 5,000 yard signs per kilometer of highway (I was glad to hear that adopting the metric system will be part of T-Mac’s platform) is the number of people yelling and cheering at a closed event whose attendees are not representative of the public at large. My one concern is that Terry will rest on his laurels and not do any more campaigning. While Gerry's straw poll tends to be the final word on these sorts of things, I’ve been told that because some idiots signed a constitution 225 years ago we have to hold elections too. Lame! So please Terry don’t put up the mission accomplished banner outside Colshire Drive just yet because there is still some mop-up work to do. He needs to convince both the democratic primary voters that he is in fact legit, while at the same time convincing the other 25% of Virginians who won’t be voting in the democratic primary that he does indeed represent their values, specifically religious and cultural ones. I personally think he can accomplish this in one bold act.
So my modest proposal to Terry McAuliffe is simple: Jump in the middle of Lake Anna so we can see if you make it to the shore line. The logic is simple enough so that the entire blogosphere gets it. The campaigns have already determined that visibility and publicity stunts are what wins. The voters do not care about ideas or platforms or leadership. If they did, Lyndon LaRouche would have been declared president-for-life by now. Now yard signs are great for getting out and locking up the base, and judging by the yard sign blitz before the event, McAuliffe has clearly locked up the base. So what we need now is to convince republicans and independents to join us. Folks, were going to do this by doing a mindless publicity stunt that doesn’t address the concerns at hand and secretly mocks their values. So what better accomplish these goals than to partially re-enact the salem witch trials.
My reasons for suggesting Lake Anna and not Great Falls are twofold. First is that Lake Anna is closer to the geographic center of Virginia so that the rest of the state (10% of the whole population) can witness it provided that they aren’t A.) Lazy or B.) Drunk. Given that the rest of the state is in the cultural south we all know that that won’t happen but we should at least be able to say we tried to include them. Secondly, I suggest Lake Anna because I don’t want Terry’s health to suffer. It’s the middle of March and I don’t want him getting hypothermia by jumping in the Potomac to see if he makes it over great falls alive. There are two nuclear plants that use Lake Anna to cool their reactors so I know Terry will stay warm and be perfectly healthy swimming in the water. Maybe he can use his new found green glow from the water to tout a green economy.
Now there is a binary outcome to being thrown in the lake: you sink or you swim. This means every campaign will find a way to declare victory no matter what. So I will now tell you now what all this actually means. If Terry drowns, we will know that he was not only a religious man, but that he and his policies would have respected and represented people of faith. Should Terry have lived to become governor, those people would surely have voted for him because anyone who is a christian is a mindless automaton and not a person like you and me. And unlike us, their votes on election day are determined simply by who has the "D" or an "R" next to their name. Furthermore, demagogues are figment of the liberal media intelligentsia and don’t actually exist in real life. If McAuliffe was just paying lipservice to us all, god would of struck him down by now or we would have figured it out (just kidding about the second one). Pat Robertson, Gerry Falwell, and David Koresh didn’t preach so they could live in massive compounds or have harems of girls with purity rings. George Bush and Tom Delay never used Jesus’ name to vindictively pursue their own agendas. And finally, we all know that Terry Schiavo got what was coming to her so the system obviously works. Thus I think the evidence is pretty clear that If Terry McAuliffe can’t swim, it means he walks with Jesus and should be our next governor should god send him back to us after he drowns in Lake Anna.
If Terry McAuliffe makes it to the other side, the democrats are screwed. Not only will the world now know that he is a fake when it comes to religion and cultural values, but it means he is also a witch. We will have nominated a candidate who will most likely put us all in a boiling cauldron after luring us to his gingerbread house. Its too late for us to change our minds on who we nominate. He’s already won the straw poll, gotten the firefighters endorsement, and locked up the endorsements of a whopping two delegates. That’s it, game over. Bob McDonnell will win and our legacy as democrats will be a tasty witches brew. Terry if you’re reading this and if you know you can swim to the bank of Lake Anna, please drop out now so I can throw Brian Moran and Creigh Deeds into the water instead.
So that’s it. That’s my modest proposal for winning the Governors’ race which is perfectly in line with all the logic demonstrated by the McAuliffe camp and its supporters so far. Either that, we put him on a scale with a duck, or he wrestles alligators (but not the cute kind). Maybe we should do another straw poll to see which one we adopt.